Bringing mascara to the delivery room
I’ve had mascara on my eyelashes for the majority of my waking hours for the last twenty years.
In December, my children got pink eye, as they always do at least once a year.
Since they both regularly make it into my bed to sleep at night (and therefore rub their faces all over my pillows) it wasn’t long before I felt my own eyes beginning to itch.
One morning, as I reached for my mascara, I paused and realized it was probably (definitely) contaminated, and threw it in the trash.
And then I went a few days without wearing mascara and calculated that it was the longest I’d ever gone without it since I started wearing it as a preteen, in the days when I used to pair it with thick, black eye-liner while listening to the likes of Taking Back Sunday and My Chemical Romance.
Which is to say, I’ve had mascara on my eyelashes for the majority of my waking hours for the last twenty years.
It’s been such a part of my appearance that when I look in the mirror and I’m not wearing it, I don’t think I look quite like myself. So much so that I’ve been wearing it for the most perplexing occasions: I put on mascara before cross country races when I was in high school, I packed it in my hospital bag when I went to give birth to my children, and as they grew up I put it on before taking them to meet our neighbors at the local park.
Walking through Target a few days after discarding my mascara, I reflexively tossed a new tube into my cart.
But as I began wheeling away, I quickly spun the cart back around. “What if I just don’t have this anymore?” I wondered. I put it back on the shelf and walked away. It was almost like a different person took over the reins of my decision-making for that critical moment.
I’m not sure what changed in me that’s allowed me to let go of something I thought I’d wear every day for the rest of my life, but now it’s been almost a month and I haven’t put mascara back on yet.1
The reaction I’ve gotten from all the people in my life has been the most shocking part of it all: not a single person seemed to notice except for me.
Which I guess makes me think that all along, the person I’ve been wearing mascara for, and therefore needing acceptance from, was myself.
I’d like to note that I’m not planning to give up on mascara forever, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with other people wearing it! I just noticed that my relationship with it was something that I wanted to change from one of feeling like I needed to wear it to leave the house, to one where I could put it on every so often. I don't know when I'll buy myself a new one, but for now I'm content without it.